Reflecting...

I never seem to be able to make myself get on here and post. The truth is, as a kid I really enjoyed writing and as I grew older I still thought it was fun. As an adult, I still like it, but I guess not enough to make significant time for it. Plus, I don't always feel like I have anything interesting to say!!

I've been really debating writing a blog about my life and things I've been thinking lately and convictions I've had. Why the debate? Because I'm terrible with confrontation!!! There's a definite reason I wasn't interested in the debate team in high school! I'm terrible at arguing (I usually just back off and surrender), and I never want people to be made at me.

While all of those things are still true, I'm choosing to say what I'm really thinking and feeling, even if others don't agree with me. I feel like God has really been teaching me some things and I want to share those things. Maybe what I'm learning will make a difference to you, maybe it won't.

First off, weight loss. Zane is now 9 months old. I've been "trying to lose weight" for 9 months now, people!! When he was born, I was DETERMINED not to make the mistakes I made after Karys was born. After she was born I worked out, but definitely did not eat as well as I should have. I remember when she was about 6 months old thinking, "Maybe I'm just going to be this size forever." Then about a month after that, a friend started doing Weight Watchers and when I saw her having success, I had an "Aha!" moment where I realized that if I made some changes in what I ate and continuted with the exercising, I could have that success too. So when she was about 8 months old, I really started working toward weight loss. Sometimes I did really good, other times not. Overall, I lost about 25 lbs. Fast forward to 3 months before I found out I was pregnant with Zane. I was stuck in my weight loss efforts and realized that I relied on sweets and desserts WAY too much! They were on my mind a lot more than they needed to be so I made the decision to cut them out completely. I did this for 3 WHOLE MONTHS!! I've never gone that long without candy, cookies, ice cream, etc. in my LIFE!! But then I found out I was pregnant, which for me is almost a license to eat. :) So fast forward again to Zane being born. I was a lot more conscious once he was born about the fact that I didn't want to have a nonchalant attitude about getting back into my regular clothes...I wanted back in them ASAP!! I've been trying (without a lot of success until recently) to get back into those old clothes. Then a little over a month ago I realized that the sweets were causing me to sabotage myself. It really does no good to work out if you're just going to eat tons of ice cream later that day!! It kind of all cancels itself out. Basically my workouts were just helping me maintain my current weight. So I decided to give it up again. This time I haven't been quite as strict, but I'm still pretty strict. I've had a couple of sugar-sweetened sodas (which I didn't have last time I did this) because drinking a soda is not going to cause me to binge and give it all up. When we have our MOPS meetings (where we get to enjoy amazing breakfasts!!) I'll eat donut holes or other sugary things because, again, eating a donut hole is not going to make me run out and buy a container of ice cream. So after giving up the sweets, I realized that there was another thing causing me not to lose weight: fast food. I was picking up takeout at least once a week, especially on the weekends. And it would cause me to feel like I'd wasted a week of working out and eating well when I'd step on the scale on Monday morning only to see I'd either: a) not lost any weight or b) gained weight. It was because of all the sodium that's in fried food (and probably the fat too!) because it'd make me retain water. Feeling like you've done a good job all week, only to not see your efforts rewarded in weight loss can be depressing! So out went the fast food, too. And in my first week of doing that, I dropped 2.5 lbs.! Talk about motivation!

Through this experience I've really been feeling like I need to be doing what I can to honor God with my body. I was not created to be a sluggish, fat-filled being who sits on the couch eating and watching TV. That doesn't do anything to show God to people in their lives. Living with discipline honors God. I'm not sure how or when I'll add sweets or fast food back into my life. I'm a little scared to add sweets in because I feel like I'm probably a sugar addict and when I give myself a little, I just want more and more. Sometimes I wonder if, like a recovering alcoholic or drug addict, if I'm supposed to cut those things out of my life completely because I can't handle it correctly when those things are in my life. That thought makes me nervous!! What would life be like not eating cake at people's birthday parties (which I've already done!) or not enjoying ice cream out with friends (which I've already done!)? Hmm...

Another thing that I love and have cut out of my life (at least for now)? "Dancing with the Stars." I had so many conflicting feelings about this one!! If you know me, you know how much I love this show!! I don't even care if I don't like any of the stars on the show. Once the season gets started, I end up liking certain contestants even if I'd never heard of them before the season started (which is usually true of the athletes!). Once the stars for this season were announced, though, I was conflicted. I could not decide if I should watch the show because of Chaz Bono being one of the celebrities. I heard lots of backlash on TV about Chaz being on the show. The group, One Million Moms, was telling people not to watch the show because we shouldn't have to explain "transgender" to our young kids. People were accusing ABC of supporting the LBGT agenda by having Chaz on the show. Other people were accusing One Million Moms of being a hate group for speaking out against Chaz. Here's what I was feeling: for Chastity Bono to decide that God made her incorrectly and therefore it was up to her to fix the problem, becoming Chaz Bono seemed to me to be like a slap in God's face. Now, I know that homosexual people have been on DWTS before and I've still watched it but for some reason, the whole transgender thing wasn't sitting well with me. I do believe that homosexuality is a sin as well (the Bible clearly speaks about this), but this time I just really felt unsure. I was asking so many different trusted friends for their thoughts and opinions on whether or not watching DWTS this season was saying that I support people being transgender or not. And finally, the decision I came to (for me), was that if I was having to ask around so much it seemed like I was trying to justify something that didn't quite feel right in my heart. So I decided to listen to my conscience and do what seemed right for me and not watch the show this season. And trust me, it's been HARD!!! I see updates when I watch "Good Morning America" but I have to remember what is more important on this earth and that's following my convictions and living for Jesus. So that's what I'm trying to do. :)